Yes, I understand perfectly. So often in Duplicity, there are forces that simply can't be fought, or dealt with in any lasting way. If I'm honest, I find it incredibly frustrating, too.
[ Dief is trying to steal his sandwich, so he starts to eat it out of self preservation. ]
[Faith is already pulling some meat off her sandwich to toss to Diefenbaker.]
I fucking hate it, you know? Before here, I'd only been out of prison-- well, okay-- escaped from prison, for a couple of months? I wanted to really be what I was supposed to be. What I'd failed to be. A hero, I guess? To help people. And here? It feels like a can't do a damn thing for anyone that really matters.
[Like when she'd tried to stop Hellboy only to nearly get herself killed.]
[Faith doesn't tell him to fuck off, but there is a bit of fidgetting happening and suddenly her sandwich seems like the most interesting thing on the planet with the way she's staring at it.
'Emotionally'. She's not really expressed fully her feelings for Benton. But it's no different than it had been for Dinah, saying it out loud is hard. She'd rather face a thousand demons. It would never not feel risky, like she's calling disaster to her door.]
That's what Andy said when I told him. I hope it's not true. I would like to think I'm not so entirely barren of spirit that it is simply my inescapable nature to follow a perhaps misplaced sense of duty above all else.
[Faith is quiet, thinking.] I can't pretend I wouldn't have pissed if I were her. If Angel hadn't given me the choice to turn myself in and had turned me in against my will...? I would never have forgiven him.
But if you had let her go. What then? Do you think it would have made things better?
Okay, so hypothetical. Say we happened to be back home. In your time. Your reality. I did all the things that I did. [She averts her eyes a bit, speaking so openly about her past is still hard.] I killed two people. Hurt a lot more. But you know me like you know me now.
I am a fugitive. I broke out of prison. Sure, it was to help Angel and help avert two apocalypses. But still. I should have been there for at least twenty more odd years. Would you turn me in?
[She's not entirely sure what answer she wants here.]
I did help someone try to start an apocalypse at the start of my downward spiral, so... there's that.
[It's not that she wants to downplay her good deeds per se, but she wants him to know. Wants him to see the ugly bits of her too. Faith reaches out to take his hand not occupied by a sandwich, squeezing it. What she really wants to do is lean over and kiss him, but she's able to restrain herself.]
I distracted you from the point you were trying to make though. About me helping you?
... well, I was quite young when I met Victoria. And I wasn't expecting it at all when she found me again, ten years later. She hated me for what I had done, as you can imagine, but I— we became involved again. It didn't end well. That time I let her go. Well... I was going to run away with her, actually, despite the fact that she had just committed murder. And shot Dief. And a number of other crimes. I was going to go with her, and instead my best friend shot me off the side of a moving train.
Anyway, I'm sorry for the long-winded story, but the point I'm trying to make about all this is that that had been my sole experience with love. And with sex. Before I came here.
[That's a lot to take in. Mostly the bits about shooting Dief and Fraser getting shot by his friend she's about to open her mouth to ask more questions when she catches the rest of what he's saying.
Is he saying what she thinks he's saying?]
Before here, I... had plenty of sex. But I can't say that I ever loved anyone. Not really. I was afraid of it. Of getting hurt. Seemed easier not to try.
Yeah. And I watched my mother go from guy to guy, loser after loser. Some who stole from her. Some who did worse. [She shakes her head, as though trying to shake the memories.] Just didn't want to end up like that. Not that my way was much better.
[She chews a moment on the inside of her lip, looking at him out of the corner of her eye.]
[ He did kind of slide that in there, didn't he? He can feel himself blushing, but he nods vigorously while he's trying to gather his thoughts, determined not to leave Faith in any suspense or doubt. ]
Yes. I mean— I was trying to say something else, as well, and I'll get to that, but. I do, yes.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2022-06-17 04:05 pm (UTC)[ He nudges into that shoulder bump, a normal friendly gesture for any watching eyes, even if the intent behind it is more. ]
But I'm glad she's found her way to you, in that case. You can be kind to her even if circumstance is not.
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Date: 2022-06-17 09:24 pm (UTC)[Mainly because she didn't spend the night with most people, which is a far more meaningful thing than the pancakes themselves.]
I'm glad too. Although it drives me a little crazy that I can't protect her from everything, you know?
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Date: 2022-06-18 10:29 pm (UTC)[ Dief is trying to steal his sandwich, so he starts to eat it out of self preservation. ]
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Date: 2022-06-19 03:24 am (UTC)I fucking hate it, you know? Before here, I'd only been out of prison-- well, okay-- escaped from prison, for a couple of months? I wanted to really be what I was supposed to be. What I'd failed to be. A hero, I guess? To help people. And here? It feels like a can't do a damn thing for anyone that really matters.
[Like when she'd tried to stop Hellboy only to nearly get herself killed.]
But I'm really trying to do what I can.
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Date: 2022-06-19 04:22 am (UTC)[ The way he says it is halfway between consolation and regret. It doesn't feel remotely adequate to him, either. ]
I do believe you are helping people here, though. You've certainly helped me.
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Date: 2022-06-19 06:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-06-19 08:29 pm (UTC)[ This is probably the point at which a normal person would explain in what way Faith has been helpful, but it doesn't occur to Fraser. ]
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Date: 2022-06-19 09:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-06-20 06:27 pm (UTC)... did I tell you that, before Duplicity, I'd only ever been with one person?
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Date: 2022-06-20 06:42 pm (UTC)[It's a light tease, smiling at him over her sandwich as she takes another bite.]
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Date: 2022-06-20 07:04 pm (UTC)[ He says it very bluntly, as much to give Faith a chance to tell him to shut up and fuck off as anything. ]
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Date: 2022-06-20 07:19 pm (UTC)'Emotionally'. She's not really expressed fully her feelings for Benton. But it's no different than it had been for Dinah, saying it out loud is hard. She'd rather face a thousand demons. It would never not feel risky, like she's calling disaster to her door.]
Yeah? What'd she do?
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Date: 2022-06-21 02:39 am (UTC)She robbed a bank in Alaska and then fled across the border.
I should have let her go.
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Date: 2022-06-21 03:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-06-21 08:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-06-21 10:06 pm (UTC)But if you had let her go. What then? Do you think it would have made things better?
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Date: 2022-06-22 09:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-06-23 12:53 am (UTC)I am a fugitive. I broke out of prison. Sure, it was to help Angel and help avert two apocalypses. But still. I should have been there for at least twenty more odd years. Would you turn me in?
[She's not entirely sure what answer she wants here.]
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Date: 2022-06-23 02:02 am (UTC)[ He mutters that almost under his breath. He can't help it. But he also shakes his head. ]
No, I doubt I would. Of course part of me would feel duty bound by the law, but— I would not truly feel it just to do so.
Besides, I've already made that mistake.
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Date: 2022-06-23 03:58 am (UTC)[It's not that she wants to downplay her good deeds per se, but she wants him to know. Wants him to see the ugly bits of her too. Faith reaches out to take his hand not occupied by a sandwich, squeezing it. What she really wants to do is lean over and kiss him, but she's able to restrain herself.]
I distracted you from the point you were trying to make though. About me helping you?
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Date: 2022-06-23 04:09 am (UTC)... well, I was quite young when I met Victoria. And I wasn't expecting it at all when she found me again, ten years later. She hated me for what I had done, as you can imagine, but I— we became involved again. It didn't end well. That time I let her go. Well... I was going to run away with her, actually, despite the fact that she had just committed murder. And shot Dief. And a number of other crimes. I was going to go with her, and instead my best friend shot me off the side of a moving train.
Anyway, I'm sorry for the long-winded story, but the point I'm trying to make about all this is that that had been my sole experience with love. And with sex. Before I came here.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-23 11:34 am (UTC)Is he saying what she thinks he's saying?]
Before here, I... had plenty of sex. But I can't say that I ever loved anyone. Not really. I was afraid of it. Of getting hurt. Seemed easier not to try.
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Date: 2022-06-23 08:41 pm (UTC)[ That was never exactly his problem, but it makes sense to him. ]
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Date: 2022-06-23 10:16 pm (UTC)[She chews a moment on the inside of her lip, looking at him out of the corner of her eye.]
Just now. Were you saying... that you... love me?
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Date: 2022-06-23 10:19 pm (UTC)[ He did kind of slide that in there, didn't he? He can feel himself blushing, but he nods vigorously while he's trying to gather his thoughts, determined not to leave Faith in any suspense or doubt. ]
Yes. I mean— I was trying to say something else, as well, and I'll get to that, but. I do, yes.
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