[Faith doesn't tell him to fuck off, but there is a bit of fidgetting happening and suddenly her sandwich seems like the most interesting thing on the planet with the way she's staring at it.
'Emotionally'. She's not really expressed fully her feelings for Benton. But it's no different than it had been for Dinah, saying it out loud is hard. She'd rather face a thousand demons. It would never not feel risky, like she's calling disaster to her door.]
That's what Andy said when I told him. I hope it's not true. I would like to think I'm not so entirely barren of spirit that it is simply my inescapable nature to follow a perhaps misplaced sense of duty above all else.
[Faith is quiet, thinking.] I can't pretend I wouldn't have pissed if I were her. If Angel hadn't given me the choice to turn myself in and had turned me in against my will...? I would never have forgiven him.
But if you had let her go. What then? Do you think it would have made things better?
Okay, so hypothetical. Say we happened to be back home. In your time. Your reality. I did all the things that I did. [She averts her eyes a bit, speaking so openly about her past is still hard.] I killed two people. Hurt a lot more. But you know me like you know me now.
I am a fugitive. I broke out of prison. Sure, it was to help Angel and help avert two apocalypses. But still. I should have been there for at least twenty more odd years. Would you turn me in?
[She's not entirely sure what answer she wants here.]
I did help someone try to start an apocalypse at the start of my downward spiral, so... there's that.
[It's not that she wants to downplay her good deeds per se, but she wants him to know. Wants him to see the ugly bits of her too. Faith reaches out to take his hand not occupied by a sandwich, squeezing it. What she really wants to do is lean over and kiss him, but she's able to restrain herself.]
I distracted you from the point you were trying to make though. About me helping you?
... well, I was quite young when I met Victoria. And I wasn't expecting it at all when she found me again, ten years later. She hated me for what I had done, as you can imagine, but I— we became involved again. It didn't end well. That time I let her go. Well... I was going to run away with her, actually, despite the fact that she had just committed murder. And shot Dief. And a number of other crimes. I was going to go with her, and instead my best friend shot me off the side of a moving train.
Anyway, I'm sorry for the long-winded story, but the point I'm trying to make about all this is that that had been my sole experience with love. And with sex. Before I came here.
[That's a lot to take in. Mostly the bits about shooting Dief and Fraser getting shot by his friend she's about to open her mouth to ask more questions when she catches the rest of what he's saying.
Is he saying what she thinks he's saying?]
Before here, I... had plenty of sex. But I can't say that I ever loved anyone. Not really. I was afraid of it. Of getting hurt. Seemed easier not to try.
Yeah. And I watched my mother go from guy to guy, loser after loser. Some who stole from her. Some who did worse. [She shakes her head, as though trying to shake the memories.] Just didn't want to end up like that. Not that my way was much better.
[She chews a moment on the inside of her lip, looking at him out of the corner of her eye.]
[ He did kind of slide that in there, didn't he? He can feel himself blushing, but he nods vigorously while he's trying to gather his thoughts, determined not to leave Faith in any suspense or doubt. ]
Yes. I mean— I was trying to say something else, as well, and I'll get to that, but. I do, yes.
[It's good she doesn't leave her wondering long, especially after what she's just said, but now she's blinking back like an idiot. She swallows a bit trying to find the words. She looks to Dief for a moment like he's somehow gonna help her find them. But then she finally looks back.]
I... feel the same way. [Even if she's no idea how to navigate these feelings in a place like this. Especially when she has them for multiple people.]
[She shrugs, smiling too.] I have no idea. You had more you wanted to tell me about how I helped you? I think. I'm not sure where you were going with it.
[Faith had gotten more than a little distracted herself, obviously.]
Ah. Yes. That's right. I'm sorry for being so long-winded about it.
[ It seemed important to give all the background, but now he's a bit embarrassed. He pauses to take a sip of tea and eat some sandwich, mostly to compose himself. It's extremely difficult not to kiss Faith right now. ]
[Faith is barely restraining herself from kissing him, herself. The possibility of giving Benton a citation is the only thing that keeps her from it. If it was just risking herself, she wouldn't have hesitated. Damn the rules.]
That's okay. I'll forgive you. But just this once. Next time I'll have to give you a spanking. [She laughs, reaching for her tea to distract herself away from thoughts of making out with him in the middle of the public park.]
[ Faith, please, he'll die. However, he takes another judicious sip of his tea and pulls himself together. ]
... anyway, what I was trying to say is that you've helped me simply by being yourself. I have—difficulty, with women. It's easier with men, somehow... and even then, you can ask Andy, I still tend to freeze up. But for all my awkwardness, you—I find myself at ease around you. You're— I know I can trust you.
I feel safe, I suppose, with you. To be honest, not only are you the first woman I've fallen for since then, but you're also the first woman I've— well, slept with, whose presence didn't send me into an immediate dissociative episode afterwards.
So, um. Thank you. I don't—I'm sure I'm not expressing myself terribly well.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2022-06-20 06:27 pm (UTC)... did I tell you that, before Duplicity, I'd only ever been with one person?
no subject
Date: 2022-06-20 06:42 pm (UTC)[It's a light tease, smiling at him over her sandwich as she takes another bite.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-20 07:04 pm (UTC)[ He says it very bluntly, as much to give Faith a chance to tell him to shut up and fuck off as anything. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-20 07:19 pm (UTC)'Emotionally'. She's not really expressed fully her feelings for Benton. But it's no different than it had been for Dinah, saying it out loud is hard. She'd rather face a thousand demons. It would never not feel risky, like she's calling disaster to her door.]
Yeah? What'd she do?
no subject
Date: 2022-06-21 02:39 am (UTC)She robbed a bank in Alaska and then fled across the border.
I should have let her go.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-21 03:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-06-21 08:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-06-21 10:06 pm (UTC)But if you had let her go. What then? Do you think it would have made things better?
no subject
Date: 2022-06-22 09:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-06-23 12:53 am (UTC)I am a fugitive. I broke out of prison. Sure, it was to help Angel and help avert two apocalypses. But still. I should have been there for at least twenty more odd years. Would you turn me in?
[She's not entirely sure what answer she wants here.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-23 02:02 am (UTC)[ He mutters that almost under his breath. He can't help it. But he also shakes his head. ]
No, I doubt I would. Of course part of me would feel duty bound by the law, but— I would not truly feel it just to do so.
Besides, I've already made that mistake.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-23 03:58 am (UTC)[It's not that she wants to downplay her good deeds per se, but she wants him to know. Wants him to see the ugly bits of her too. Faith reaches out to take his hand not occupied by a sandwich, squeezing it. What she really wants to do is lean over and kiss him, but she's able to restrain herself.]
I distracted you from the point you were trying to make though. About me helping you?
no subject
Date: 2022-06-23 04:09 am (UTC)... well, I was quite young when I met Victoria. And I wasn't expecting it at all when she found me again, ten years later. She hated me for what I had done, as you can imagine, but I— we became involved again. It didn't end well. That time I let her go. Well... I was going to run away with her, actually, despite the fact that she had just committed murder. And shot Dief. And a number of other crimes. I was going to go with her, and instead my best friend shot me off the side of a moving train.
Anyway, I'm sorry for the long-winded story, but the point I'm trying to make about all this is that that had been my sole experience with love. And with sex. Before I came here.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-23 11:34 am (UTC)Is he saying what she thinks he's saying?]
Before here, I... had plenty of sex. But I can't say that I ever loved anyone. Not really. I was afraid of it. Of getting hurt. Seemed easier not to try.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-23 08:41 pm (UTC)[ That was never exactly his problem, but it makes sense to him. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-23 10:16 pm (UTC)[She chews a moment on the inside of her lip, looking at him out of the corner of her eye.]
Just now. Were you saying... that you... love me?
no subject
Date: 2022-06-23 10:19 pm (UTC)[ He did kind of slide that in there, didn't he? He can feel himself blushing, but he nods vigorously while he's trying to gather his thoughts, determined not to leave Faith in any suspense or doubt. ]
Yes. I mean— I was trying to say something else, as well, and I'll get to that, but. I do, yes.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-23 11:32 pm (UTC)I... feel the same way. [Even if she's no idea how to navigate these feelings in a place like this. Especially when she has them for multiple people.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-24 12:27 am (UTC)Ah.
Thank you.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-24 01:45 am (UTC)God, you're such a dork. [It's part of why she loves him, honestly.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-24 02:57 am (UTC)[ He's not actually sorry, and doesn't sound it. He still can't wipe the smile off his face. ]
Um. What were we talking about?
no subject
Date: 2022-06-24 03:21 am (UTC)[Faith had gotten more than a little distracted herself, obviously.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-24 03:30 am (UTC)[ It seemed important to give all the background, but now he's a bit embarrassed. He pauses to take a sip of tea and eat some sandwich, mostly to compose himself. It's extremely difficult not to kiss Faith right now. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-24 01:44 pm (UTC)That's okay. I'll forgive you. But just this once. Next time I'll have to give you a spanking. [She laughs, reaching for her tea to distract herself away from thoughts of making out with him in the middle of the public park.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-24 07:39 pm (UTC)[ Faith, please, he'll die. However, he takes another judicious sip of his tea and pulls himself together. ]
... anyway, what I was trying to say is that you've helped me simply by being yourself. I have—difficulty, with women. It's easier with men, somehow... and even then, you can ask Andy, I still tend to freeze up. But for all my awkwardness, you—I find myself at ease around you. You're— I know I can trust you.
I feel safe, I suppose, with you. To be honest, not only are you the first woman I've fallen for since then, but you're also the first woman I've— well, slept with, whose presence didn't send me into an immediate dissociative episode afterwards.
So, um. Thank you. I don't—I'm sure I'm not expressing myself terribly well.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From: