( at the question Buffy's gaze lifts from the mugs to settle on Faith's face. her smile falters when the nervousness in her gut takes a sharp turn that tightens in her chest. )
That's kinda the plan. ( of course it all depends on how Faith reacts to what Buffy's about to say. how Faith wants to answer or handle Buffy's terms. but however this ends up panning out will be – has to be better than this limbo they're stuck in, right?
keeping her hands twisted together under the table Buffy takes a deep breath. it's now or never. )
I hate this. ( she realizes immediately it's not the best opening, especially if she wants to put Faith at ease. and she does! so she quickly continues to explain. ) Not this... ( she sighs, pulling out a hand to gesture across the table between them. before shoving it back under again when she reconsiders, ) Actually no, I do hate this. This walking on eggshells bullshit we do when we can't seem to avoid each other. ( she swallows hard. ) Because I miss you. And I'm tired of missing you. ( it was easier when they were home. where they'd only ever been friends. here, though, Buffy has months of memories impacting her in ways she thought she could push aside, hoping to forget. ) I just don't know if I can trust you again. Not the way I did but... I wanna try.
[Faith swallows, feeling a lump forming in her throat when Buffy admits to missing her. She tries to look her in the eye as she talks despite the fact that each word makes her want to avert her gaze in discomfort. She can't help the pained expression that crosses her face at the end of it.
'Not the way I did'.]
I miss you too. I know you might not be able to trust me again. I know. And I... I know you said not to apologize. [Or she'd beat her to death. That had been the words she'd chosen. Faith had listened and read every last word in that network post.] But I am sorry. I know I should have told you. I just... I wanted... fuck, I don't know what I wanted.
[She'd wanted to be selfish.]
I don't know what the last thing you experienced was. But I was in prison. For years. I turned myself in. I had to break out recently to help Angel.
( there's a flash of a smile, one that reaches her eyes when Faith admits to missing her too. it's one thing to think Faith might have missed her in return, but it's another to have it confirmed.
and then she immediately winces, remembering what she said not just here but at home, too. in the heat of the moment – both moments, she actually meant it. or it sure felt like she had. emotions had been running high. seeing Angel and Faith had been the tipping point in Los Angeles. here it was the months of added memories Buffy saw as another betrayal. but now that her anger has subsided, she knows it wasn't the reaction Faith needed from her. )
Not one of my finer moments. ( she acknowledges regretfully, blowing out a puff of air and slouching into her seat. ) What happened between us, I should have kept between us. I shouldn't have given everyone a front-row seat to our issues. And for that I'm sorry. ( because Faith isn't the only one who messed up. isn't the only one who has to make things right. )
The very last thing I experienced would be Angel hitting me. You had gone up the steps when he grabbed my arm. Punches were thrown. ( she'd woken up from the coma feeling the sting where his fist had landed. none of that matters right now. instead, her attention is on what Faith last remembers. concern worries its way between her brows. )
No matter how curious I am, and believe me when I say I'm super curious to find out, I'm not going to ask you why Angel needed help, or why I did. It's up to you if you wanna tell me. And if you say we're good at the point you're from, I'm going to choose to believe you. But Faith... If I fall asleep again and find out there's more you haven't told me – about us, anyway, that's it. No third chance.
[Buffy's reaction and having her apologize to Faith makes her feel like she's in the twilight zone. It's not the response she ever expected. It's a response that she couldn't have even really imagined. But then she's never been a particularly optimistic kind of gal.]
I messed up too. I know that. I know I should have said something. I liked being what we used to be again. The Chosen Two. And then we became more than that and it got even harder to say.
[She's no idea what they'd been, really. It hadn't been anything they'd put a name to, seeing as this place made everything so complicated. They'd certainly become more than friends.]
We've fought more, sure, seems like it's just our vibe now. But nothing like... what I did before. There was a minute there I got put in charge instead of you. That's really the only thing. Although I screwed up being in charge pretty quick so that was short-lived anyway.
[Faith ducks her head, staring into her now half-empty beer. Taking another sip, she lets out a long sigh afterward.]
There are things that have happened between your time and mine-- huge things-- but nothing I did. Still, they are things I'm just not sure that I should say.
[How could she even begin to explain to Buffy about her own death? Dawn? Willow falling off the deep end? Tara? Anya? Spike?]
If you really want me to tell you, I can. What I know anyway, seeing as I wasn't there for most of it. Prison and all. [It might even take some of the weight off Faith's shoulders, but she's not convinced it will do Buffy much good obsessing over her future like that once she knows.]
( she confesses on the heels of Faith's own. and it's true for what they were at home; friends. and for what they had grown to be here; something Buffy had never given a title to. but she can say with absolute certainty what the feeling weaved into the unspoken label was; love. and why coming back here, knowing what had happened between them, hurt more than it did at home. )
We have a vibe? ( she snorts. ) Not that there's anything wrong with a vibe. I'm... I'm glad we have it because it's something. ( good. is implied. it means they really are better than what Buffy remembers.
all too soon the mood shifts. a cloud, heavy with all the future holds, settles over Buffy. dark and tempting. and the urge to open Pandora's box ━ to ask Faith to tell her everything, to leave nothing out no matter how much it'll hurt, is there. weighing on Buffy. suffocating.
in silence, she considers what to do. stomach twisting itself into knots as she thinks about her mom. Giles. Xander and Willow. Riley. wondering if they're all okay. but it's not like Faith telling her now will give her any sort of preparation for whatever comes next. not when she knows from experience that when they send people home, you don't remember a single thing about this place. which is unsettling on its own. add in the horror of a future you know is coming but can't change and well... her expression pinches and her gaze drifts to her lap.
there's the slightest shake of her head when she settles on what to do. then, when she speaks, her voice is soft, trying to quiet the screaming urge to know. )
No. It's better you don't tell me anything. No matter how much you know, it's not going to change things. Not for the better. ( she reasons, squeezing her hands together. swallowing. ) I'm not going to ask for any details. Even if you accidentally slip and let something out, you don't need to worry. I'll pretend not to have noticed. Or try to anyway. But I won't ask what you meant or to explain.
[Faith blinks, stunned to hear that Buffy wants them to have at least 'something'. The possible implications of why twist around in her insides and make her throat threaten to tighten.
The offer to tell Buffy everything lingers in the air and Faith feels the tension in her release when Buffy decides she's better off not knowing. It's good because there's so much that Faith doesn't want to tell her because she knows it will only hurt her. And Faith really doesn't want to hurt her. Never again. The stray punch in a spar didn't count. The kind of hurt that actually lingered.
Her hand slides from her glass, settling closer toward Buffy but not quite far enough to take her hand, still afraid to take that step, worried she might startle Buffy away like some wild animal that's allowed her close. Never mind that Buffy is the one who'd wanted this meeting in the first place. So maybe it's truly Faith who's the skittish animal.]
Alright, good. Then I don't have to worry if I slip up. [Faith manages a small smile and laugh.] Like if I accidentally tell you that Wesley actually gets to be kind of a badass and a little bit hot? [Which, honestly, is still a bit disconcerting for Faith still even now. Her smile turns into a playful teasing grin.] And I won't have to worry about any follow up questions...
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2022-09-17 05:55 pm (UTC)That's kinda the plan. ( of course it all depends on how Faith reacts to what Buffy's about to say. how Faith wants to answer or handle Buffy's terms. but however this ends up panning out will be – has to be better than this limbo they're stuck in, right?
keeping her hands twisted together under the table Buffy takes a deep breath. it's now or never. )
I hate this. ( she realizes immediately it's not the best opening, especially if she wants to put Faith at ease. and she does! so she quickly continues to explain. ) Not this... ( she sighs, pulling out a hand to gesture across the table between them. before shoving it back under again when she reconsiders, ) Actually no, I do hate this. This walking on eggshells bullshit we do when we can't seem to avoid each other. ( she swallows hard. ) Because I miss you. And I'm tired of missing you. ( it was easier when they were home. where they'd only ever been friends. here, though, Buffy has months of memories impacting her in ways she thought she could push aside, hoping to forget. ) I just don't know if I can trust you again. Not the way I did but... I wanna try.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-18 03:54 am (UTC)'Not the way I did'.]
I miss you too. I know you might not be able to trust me again. I know. And I... I know you said not to apologize. [Or she'd beat her to death. That had been the words she'd chosen. Faith had listened and read every last word in that network post.] But I am sorry. I know I should have told you. I just... I wanted... fuck, I don't know what I wanted.
[She'd wanted to be selfish.]
I don't know what the last thing you experienced was. But I was in prison. For years. I turned myself in. I had to break out recently to help Angel.
And then I stayed out. To help you.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-21 03:21 pm (UTC)and then she immediately winces, remembering what she said not just here but at home, too. in the heat of the moment – both moments, she actually meant it. or it sure felt like she had. emotions had been running high. seeing Angel and Faith had been the tipping point in Los Angeles. here it was the months of added memories Buffy saw as another betrayal. but now that her anger has subsided, she knows it wasn't the reaction Faith needed from her. )
Not one of my finer moments. ( she acknowledges regretfully, blowing out a puff of air and slouching into her seat. ) What happened between us, I should have kept between us. I shouldn't have given everyone a front-row seat to our issues. And for that I'm sorry. ( because Faith isn't the only one who messed up. isn't the only one who has to make things right. )
The very last thing I experienced would be Angel hitting me. You had gone up the steps when he grabbed my arm. Punches were thrown. ( she'd woken up from the coma feeling the sting where his fist had landed. none of that matters right now. instead, her attention is on what Faith last remembers. concern worries its way between her brows. )
No matter how curious I am, and believe me when I say I'm super curious to find out, I'm not going to ask you why Angel needed help, or why I did. It's up to you if you wanna tell me. And if you say we're good at the point you're from, I'm going to choose to believe you. But Faith... If I fall asleep again and find out there's more you haven't told me – about us, anyway, that's it. No third chance.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-21 11:18 pm (UTC)I messed up too. I know that. I know I should have said something. I liked being what we used to be again. The Chosen Two. And then we became more than that and it got even harder to say.
[She's no idea what they'd been, really. It hadn't been anything they'd put a name to, seeing as this place made everything so complicated. They'd certainly become more than friends.]
We've fought more, sure, seems like it's just our vibe now. But nothing like... what I did before. There was a minute there I got put in charge instead of you. That's really the only thing. Although I screwed up being in charge pretty quick so that was short-lived anyway.
[Faith ducks her head, staring into her now half-empty beer. Taking another sip, she lets out a long sigh afterward.]
There are things that have happened between your time and mine-- huge things-- but nothing I did. Still, they are things I'm just not sure that I should say.
[How could she even begin to explain to Buffy about her own death? Dawn? Willow falling off the deep end? Tara? Anya? Spike?]
If you really want me to tell you, I can. What I know anyway, seeing as I wasn't there for most of it. Prison and all. [It might even take some of the weight off Faith's shoulders, but she's not convinced it will do Buffy much good obsessing over her future like that once she knows.]
no subject
Date: 2022-10-03 02:43 am (UTC)( she confesses on the heels of Faith's own. and it's true for what they were at home; friends. and for what they had grown to be here; something Buffy had never given a title to. but she can say with absolute certainty what the feeling weaved into the unspoken label was; love. and why coming back here, knowing what had happened between them, hurt more than it did at home. )
We have a vibe? ( she snorts. ) Not that there's anything wrong with a vibe. I'm... I'm glad we have it because it's something. ( good. is implied. it means they really are better than what Buffy remembers.
all too soon the mood shifts. a cloud, heavy with all the future holds, settles over Buffy. dark and tempting. and the urge to open Pandora's box ━ to ask Faith to tell her everything, to leave nothing out no matter how much it'll hurt, is there. weighing on Buffy. suffocating.
in silence, she considers what to do. stomach twisting itself into knots as she thinks about her mom. Giles. Xander and Willow. Riley. wondering if they're all okay. but it's not like Faith telling her now will give her any sort of preparation for whatever comes next. not when she knows from experience that when they send people home, you don't remember a single thing about this place. which is unsettling on its own. add in the horror of a future you know is coming but can't change and well... her expression pinches and her gaze drifts to her lap.
there's the slightest shake of her head when she settles on what to do. then, when she speaks, her voice is soft, trying to quiet the screaming urge to know. )
No. It's better you don't tell me anything. No matter how much you know, it's not going to change things. Not for the better. ( she reasons, squeezing her hands together. swallowing. ) I'm not going to ask for any details. Even if you accidentally slip and let something out, you don't need to worry. I'll pretend not to have noticed. Or try to anyway. But I won't ask what you meant or to explain.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-09 02:49 pm (UTC)The offer to tell Buffy everything lingers in the air and Faith feels the tension in her release when Buffy decides she's better off not knowing. It's good because there's so much that Faith doesn't want to tell her because she knows it will only hurt her. And Faith really doesn't want to hurt her. Never again. The stray punch in a spar didn't count. The kind of hurt that actually lingered.
Her hand slides from her glass, settling closer toward Buffy but not quite far enough to take her hand, still afraid to take that step, worried she might startle Buffy away like some wild animal that's allowed her close. Never mind that Buffy is the one who'd wanted this meeting in the first place. So maybe it's truly Faith who's the skittish animal.]
Alright, good. Then I don't have to worry if I slip up. [Faith manages a small smile and laugh.] Like if I accidentally tell you that Wesley actually gets to be kind of a badass and a little bit hot? [Which, honestly, is still a bit disconcerting for Faith still even now. Her smile turns into a playful teasing grin.] And I won't have to worry about any follow up questions...