[ Andy read the post, and he heard Faith when she came in, so he's not shocked either. ]
How old were you? Eighteen?
[ It seems clear to him that the monster-slaying gig is a thing teenagers are apparently tasked with, which sounds insane to him, but he also knows Faith has superpowers. So maybe superpowers can only be acquired when you're young or something. ]
Eighteen when it started. Eight months of that in the coma Buffy put me in. Nineteen when I went to prison. Feels like lifetimes ago. But it's only been four years.
[She sips from the bottle, offering it out to him if he wants it.] I'm different now. Or trying to be. Buffy doesn't want to hear that though, I know. But it's fresh for her. I've already been through all this with her. Back home. And before I showed up here we were fighting together again. On the same side. Not without butting heads, though.
[They may never get along entirely and that idea does hurt. And she knows she's no one to blame but herself about that.]
I also had a lot of time to think... and a lot of correctional counseling.
[Prison hadn't been a vacation. It had been hard. But she'd tried to turn it into an opportunity.]
Thanks for the offer. I don't know that I want that. Every person on there defending me? Somehow just made me feel worse. I'm sure at some point we'll have it out. Or... I was thinking I might just let her beat my ass. Not my best plan. Still workshopping it.
[She moves closer to him, provided he'll allow it, to rest her head on his shoulder. Having someone close helps.]
She didn't gain enough time for that. I think she only got about a year. Right before I went to prison. And I also didn't tell her here. We've been here months and I never told her how things went wrong. She still thought of me as a friend. As a sister Slayer. I selfishly wanted her to be my friend again... so that's yet another reason for her to hate me.
[ It's very easy for Andy to just wrap an arm around her and let her lean in. Really, all he needed to know about Faith to trust her implicitly is that she's with Ben, that's the bottom line. She trusts Ben, Ben trusts her, so Andy's all for doing his best. ]
It's not like meeting a younger version of someone who's your friend now but you hurt before is a thing people are taught how to deal with. Maybe you should've told her, but you couldn't have known if she'd remember, or how much she'd remember, or even if her version of you was actually you.
You didn't want to hurt her. And I think that makes a lot of sense, you can take responsibility for the hurt you caused before, but the hurt going on right now isn't on you.
There's so much that's happened between where she is and where I am now. Things that don't even have to do with the two of us. Things I didn't tell her either. Things that will hurt her to know. I couldn't tell her those things either and I wasn't sure I should.
[How did one tell someone that their mother died? Or that they died too and got resurrected? That had been even harder to approach.]
[She stays there in quiet contemplation for a moment to really think about it.] I mean, I can't know for sure but I don't think I'd have wanted her to tell me anything...?
I don't think I'd like to know either, but if I knew there was something to know, I'd lose my entire mind until I knew it. It's a tricky situation, and you can only do your best with the information available to you.
And it sounds like you did, so I don't think there's anything to beat yourself up about.
[ He doesn't know everything, but he does believe Faith did the best she could, and possibly that not telling Buffy was harder for her than it would've been to spill everything. ]
Also, just— as a future thing from someone who is relatively well-versed in guilt. The option that makes you feel worse isn't always the best option, and you're allowed to get a sounding board. Ben's a good one.
Easier said than done. I've beat myself up for so long, that I'm an a real pro at it.
[She wraps moves closer wrapping a Snuggied arm around Andy's waist, staring out a far window where she can see the woods that are around the house.]
I dunno. You're being a pretty good sounding board yourself. Don't sell yourself short. [Not that she doesn't already plan to talk with Benton about this.] I am glad I told Benton what I did before all of this came out. So he didn't learn about it from Buffy...
[She would have worried herself sick that he would have rejected her for it. Not that Fraser was the type to do that out of hand, the fear would be there still.]
I think Ben would've been fine. I mean, I don't think you owe anyone your background, and I don't think he'd have felt entitled to the whole thing, even if he'd learned about it from that post.
[ Andy didn't know any of it. And it's not that he doubted Buffy's account— he didn't because Faith's the sort of person who'd have yelled bullshit if it had been bullshit, but also Duplicity gives people plenty of opportunity to be assholes while providing plausible deniability, and Faith hasn't taken any of them.
So while Buffy told the truth about what happened, she was obviously wrong about who Faith is now. ]
That said, Ben values honesty, and he's the most trustworthy guy I know, plus, it's nicer to let people in, I think. Give someone the means to hurt you and knowing they won't.
[She ducks her head, tugging her snuggie closer and clutching the bottle.]
Back home. I don't... I don't have many people. Really only one. The one who helped me crawl my way back. Angel. I didn't let anyone else in. Always seemed easier at the time, but then I just ended up being alone.
I still expect people to leave me or betray me. For most of my life, it's been one or the other, yanno?
[She takes a long swig from the bottle.]
That's really been the only good thing about this place. I have people. People that checked on me after this. Ben, you, Dinah, people I barely even know too...
Trusting people is terrifying, even when you're a sheltered guy who's never seriously been hurt.
[ He's speaking about himself. Andy'll let almost anyone go at him with a riding crop, but back home, his secrets are reserved for a handful of people. ]
It's a learning process, and there's always this awareness that on paper, trust is a bad call. You're giving someone your kryptonite and hoping they won't use it against you.
It's not like keeping myself locked away was really helping me. Pushing people away is what led me to betray Buffy. Among other things. That doesn't mean it's not still scary. I just know now that the alternative is worse...
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2022-07-12 04:11 am (UTC)How old were you? Eighteen?
[ It seems clear to him that the monster-slaying gig is a thing teenagers are apparently tasked with, which sounds insane to him, but he also knows Faith has superpowers. So maybe superpowers can only be acquired when you're young or something. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-07-13 12:19 am (UTC)[She sips from the bottle, offering it out to him if he wants it.] I'm different now. Or trying to be. Buffy doesn't want to hear that though, I know. But it's fresh for her. I've already been through all this with her. Back home. And before I showed up here we were fighting together again. On the same side. Not without butting heads, though.
[They may never get along entirely and that idea does hurt. And she knows she's no one to blame but herself about that.]
no subject
Date: 2022-07-13 12:26 am (UTC)You were a kid. She's a kid right now, even people who aren't tasked with the fate of the world change a lot from nineteen to twenty-three.
Just give her space, and if you need a middle man, I'm not terrible at conflict de-escalation.
[ This isn't the kind of conflict he was ever trained to de-escalate, but he knows anger and he's sturdy. ]
And hey, if she remembered this, maybe she'll catch up with you eventually.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-13 02:08 am (UTC)[Prison hadn't been a vacation. It had been hard. But she'd tried to turn it into an opportunity.]
Thanks for the offer. I don't know that I want that. Every person on there defending me? Somehow just made me feel worse. I'm sure at some point we'll have it out. Or... I was thinking I might just let her beat my ass. Not my best plan. Still workshopping it.
[She moves closer to him, provided he'll allow it, to rest her head on his shoulder. Having someone close helps.]
She didn't gain enough time for that. I think she only got about a year. Right before I went to prison. And I also didn't tell her here. We've been here months and I never told her how things went wrong. She still thought of me as a friend. As a sister Slayer. I selfishly wanted her to be my friend again... so that's yet another reason for her to hate me.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-13 05:35 am (UTC)It's not like meeting a younger version of someone who's your friend now but you hurt before is a thing people are taught how to deal with. Maybe you should've told her, but you couldn't have known if she'd remember, or how much she'd remember, or even if her version of you was actually you.
You didn't want to hurt her. And I think that makes a lot of sense, you can take responsibility for the hurt you caused before, but the hurt going on right now isn't on you.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-14 12:01 am (UTC)[How did one tell someone that their mother died? Or that they died too and got resurrected? That had been even harder to approach.]
no subject
Date: 2022-07-14 12:06 am (UTC)[ He really has no idea. Ben's from the past, but Andy doesn't know him, he can just tell him to buy some Amazon stock. ]
If your situations were reversed, if she was the one from the future, what would you want?
no subject
Date: 2022-07-14 01:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-14 02:15 am (UTC)And it sounds like you did, so I don't think there's anything to beat yourself up about.
[ He doesn't know everything, but he does believe Faith did the best she could, and possibly that not telling Buffy was harder for her than it would've been to spill everything. ]
Also, just— as a future thing from someone who is relatively well-versed in guilt. The option that makes you feel worse isn't always the best option, and you're allowed to get a sounding board. Ben's a good one.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-14 01:38 pm (UTC)[She wraps moves closer wrapping a Snuggied arm around Andy's waist, staring out a far window where she can see the woods that are around the house.]
I dunno. You're being a pretty good sounding board yourself. Don't sell yourself short. [Not that she doesn't already plan to talk with Benton about this.] I am glad I told Benton what I did before all of this came out. So he didn't learn about it from Buffy...
[She would have worried herself sick that he would have rejected her for it. Not that Fraser was the type to do that out of hand, the fear would be there still.]
no subject
Date: 2022-07-15 05:46 am (UTC)[ Andy didn't know any of it. And it's not that he doubted Buffy's account— he didn't because Faith's the sort of person who'd have yelled bullshit if it had been bullshit, but also Duplicity gives people plenty of opportunity to be assholes while providing plausible deniability, and Faith hasn't taken any of them.
So while Buffy told the truth about what happened, she was obviously wrong about who Faith is now. ]
That said, Ben values honesty, and he's the most trustworthy guy I know, plus, it's nicer to let people in, I think. Give someone the means to hurt you and knowing they won't.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-16 12:49 am (UTC)Back home. I don't... I don't have many people. Really only one. The one who helped me crawl my way back. Angel. I didn't let anyone else in. Always seemed easier at the time, but then I just ended up being alone.
I still expect people to leave me or betray me. For most of my life, it's been one or the other, yanno?
[She takes a long swig from the bottle.]
That's really been the only good thing about this place. I have people. People that checked on me after this. Ben, you, Dinah, people I barely even know too...
[It means more than she can really express.]
no subject
Date: 2022-07-25 05:02 am (UTC)[ He's speaking about himself. Andy'll let almost anyone go at him with a riding crop, but back home, his secrets are reserved for a handful of people. ]
It's a learning process, and there's always this awareness that on paper, trust is a bad call. You're giving someone your kryptonite and hoping they won't use it against you.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 10:41 pm (UTC)[She wraps her snuggie tighter around her.]
I just... I hope she doesn't hate me forever.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-30 04:32 am (UTC)[ Andy squeezes her tightly for a moment, before loosening his hold a little. ]
Just give her time and space.