I did help someone try to start an apocalypse at the start of my downward spiral, so... there's that.
[It's not that she wants to downplay her good deeds per se, but she wants him to know. Wants him to see the ugly bits of her too. Faith reaches out to take his hand not occupied by a sandwich, squeezing it. What she really wants to do is lean over and kiss him, but she's able to restrain herself.]
I distracted you from the point you were trying to make though. About me helping you?
... well, I was quite young when I met Victoria. And I wasn't expecting it at all when she found me again, ten years later. She hated me for what I had done, as you can imagine, but I— we became involved again. It didn't end well. That time I let her go. Well... I was going to run away with her, actually, despite the fact that she had just committed murder. And shot Dief. And a number of other crimes. I was going to go with her, and instead my best friend shot me off the side of a moving train.
Anyway, I'm sorry for the long-winded story, but the point I'm trying to make about all this is that that had been my sole experience with love. And with sex. Before I came here.
[That's a lot to take in. Mostly the bits about shooting Dief and Fraser getting shot by his friend she's about to open her mouth to ask more questions when she catches the rest of what he's saying.
Is he saying what she thinks he's saying?]
Before here, I... had plenty of sex. But I can't say that I ever loved anyone. Not really. I was afraid of it. Of getting hurt. Seemed easier not to try.
Yeah. And I watched my mother go from guy to guy, loser after loser. Some who stole from her. Some who did worse. [She shakes her head, as though trying to shake the memories.] Just didn't want to end up like that. Not that my way was much better.
[She chews a moment on the inside of her lip, looking at him out of the corner of her eye.]
[ He did kind of slide that in there, didn't he? He can feel himself blushing, but he nods vigorously while he's trying to gather his thoughts, determined not to leave Faith in any suspense or doubt. ]
Yes. I mean— I was trying to say something else, as well, and I'll get to that, but. I do, yes.
[It's good she doesn't leave her wondering long, especially after what she's just said, but now she's blinking back like an idiot. She swallows a bit trying to find the words. She looks to Dief for a moment like he's somehow gonna help her find them. But then she finally looks back.]
I... feel the same way. [Even if she's no idea how to navigate these feelings in a place like this. Especially when she has them for multiple people.]
[She shrugs, smiling too.] I have no idea. You had more you wanted to tell me about how I helped you? I think. I'm not sure where you were going with it.
[Faith had gotten more than a little distracted herself, obviously.]
Ah. Yes. That's right. I'm sorry for being so long-winded about it.
[ It seemed important to give all the background, but now he's a bit embarrassed. He pauses to take a sip of tea and eat some sandwich, mostly to compose himself. It's extremely difficult not to kiss Faith right now. ]
[Faith is barely restraining herself from kissing him, herself. The possibility of giving Benton a citation is the only thing that keeps her from it. If it was just risking herself, she wouldn't have hesitated. Damn the rules.]
That's okay. I'll forgive you. But just this once. Next time I'll have to give you a spanking. [She laughs, reaching for her tea to distract herself away from thoughts of making out with him in the middle of the public park.]
[ Faith, please, he'll die. However, he takes another judicious sip of his tea and pulls himself together. ]
... anyway, what I was trying to say is that you've helped me simply by being yourself. I have—difficulty, with women. It's easier with men, somehow... and even then, you can ask Andy, I still tend to freeze up. But for all my awkwardness, you—I find myself at ease around you. You're— I know I can trust you.
I feel safe, I suppose, with you. To be honest, not only are you the first woman I've fallen for since then, but you're also the first woman I've— well, slept with, whose presence didn't send me into an immediate dissociative episode afterwards.
So, um. Thank you. I don't—I'm sure I'm not expressing myself terribly well.
[Faith's gaze is searching, uncertain, but hopeful too. She feels like something is trying to claw out her insides.]
Y-You're expressing yourself just fine. [She manages, nearly forgetting about her food entirely. So hopefully Dief didn't take advantage.] Back home... most people don't... I don't know if I can say the trust me. Maybe Angel. He's here now you know. Angel. But he doesn't remember any of him helping me. Just me trying to kill him. [That hurts too. It feels like losing her best friend.] They all think I'm going to fuck up again. They don't say that, but I can tell just by the way they look at me.
And maybe sometimes, I think I'm going to screw it all up too. [She sniffs, trying to push down the tears that are threatening.]
I feel safe with you too. When I got hurt. I was so happy to see you. Like, somehow I knew everything would just be alright.
[ Everything he might say seems inadequate, but that's fine. He doesn't have to say anything at all. Instead, he reaches for her hand, finding it and holding it firmly in his. There's something of fairy tales about the gesture—not in a romantic, happily ever after sense, but something both older and more innocent. Like a pact between children, holding hands before going into the dark woods.
Also, Dief totally does steal both of their sandwiches. ]
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[ He mutters that almost under his breath. He can't help it. But he also shakes his head. ]
No, I doubt I would. Of course part of me would feel duty bound by the law, but— I would not truly feel it just to do so.
Besides, I've already made that mistake.
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[It's not that she wants to downplay her good deeds per se, but she wants him to know. Wants him to see the ugly bits of her too. Faith reaches out to take his hand not occupied by a sandwich, squeezing it. What she really wants to do is lean over and kiss him, but she's able to restrain herself.]
I distracted you from the point you were trying to make though. About me helping you?
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... well, I was quite young when I met Victoria. And I wasn't expecting it at all when she found me again, ten years later. She hated me for what I had done, as you can imagine, but I— we became involved again. It didn't end well. That time I let her go. Well... I was going to run away with her, actually, despite the fact that she had just committed murder. And shot Dief. And a number of other crimes. I was going to go with her, and instead my best friend shot me off the side of a moving train.
Anyway, I'm sorry for the long-winded story, but the point I'm trying to make about all this is that that had been my sole experience with love. And with sex. Before I came here.
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Is he saying what she thinks he's saying?]
Before here, I... had plenty of sex. But I can't say that I ever loved anyone. Not really. I was afraid of it. Of getting hurt. Seemed easier not to try.
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[ That was never exactly his problem, but it makes sense to him. ]
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[She chews a moment on the inside of her lip, looking at him out of the corner of her eye.]
Just now. Were you saying... that you... love me?
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[ He did kind of slide that in there, didn't he? He can feel himself blushing, but he nods vigorously while he's trying to gather his thoughts, determined not to leave Faith in any suspense or doubt. ]
Yes. I mean— I was trying to say something else, as well, and I'll get to that, but. I do, yes.
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I... feel the same way. [Even if she's no idea how to navigate these feelings in a place like this. Especially when she has them for multiple people.]
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Ah.
Thank you.
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God, you're such a dork. [It's part of why she loves him, honestly.]
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[ He's not actually sorry, and doesn't sound it. He still can't wipe the smile off his face. ]
Um. What were we talking about?
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[Faith had gotten more than a little distracted herself, obviously.]
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[ It seemed important to give all the background, but now he's a bit embarrassed. He pauses to take a sip of tea and eat some sandwich, mostly to compose himself. It's extremely difficult not to kiss Faith right now. ]
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That's okay. I'll forgive you. But just this once. Next time I'll have to give you a spanking. [She laughs, reaching for her tea to distract herself away from thoughts of making out with him in the middle of the public park.]
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[ Faith, please, he'll die. However, he takes another judicious sip of his tea and pulls himself together. ]
... anyway, what I was trying to say is that you've helped me simply by being yourself. I have—difficulty, with women. It's easier with men, somehow... and even then, you can ask Andy, I still tend to freeze up. But for all my awkwardness, you—I find myself at ease around you. You're— I know I can trust you.
I feel safe, I suppose, with you. To be honest, not only are you the first woman I've fallen for since then, but you're also the first woman I've— well, slept with, whose presence didn't send me into an immediate dissociative episode afterwards.
So, um. Thank you. I don't—I'm sure I'm not expressing myself terribly well.
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Y-You're expressing yourself just fine. [She manages, nearly forgetting about her food entirely. So hopefully Dief didn't take advantage.] Back home... most people don't... I don't know if I can say the trust me. Maybe Angel. He's here now you know. Angel. But he doesn't remember any of him helping me. Just me trying to kill him. [That hurts too. It feels like losing her best friend.] They all think I'm going to fuck up again. They don't say that, but I can tell just by the way they look at me.
And maybe sometimes, I think I'm going to screw it all up too. [She sniffs, trying to push down the tears that are threatening.]
I feel safe with you too. When I got hurt. I was so happy to see you. Like, somehow I knew everything would just be alright.
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Also, Dief totally does steal both of their sandwiches. ]